NEW COLLEGE ESSAY! what do you think?
new college essay ..i fixed it up …tell me what you think tell me what you think the university will think??/ any errors??? thanks!
When I look at this picture of myself, I realize how much I’ve grown and changed, not only physically, but also mentally as a person In the last couple of years. Less than one month after this photograph was taken, I arrived at North Shore Community College without any idea of what to expect. Around me in this picture are the things which were most important in my life at the time:
I will strive to be a tremendous asset to Northeastern University by devoting all my time to becoming an excellent student. I believe that I am obligated to use my talents in a constructive manner, in a manner that benefits society. The medical career gives me the unique opportunity to express my many talents while benefiting human life.
Going to a medical school and earning a degree has always been a dream of mine. My life, like many others has seen and been through times of sorrow. I have watched one loves in pain, with uncertainty of their future. Just recently a long lost Uncle has reappeared in the lives of my family. Glad to see him him back but, I’m sad and worried about is life. He has been diagnosed with throat cancer, and must under go chemotherapy. Watching his struggles urges me to learn more about steps into recovery and how I can be of help. Cancer rates are at large tacking away to many people too soon. I believe that Doctors don’t just treat bodies they also listen to souls because sometimes the illness is cured by a friend.
Becoming a doctor has always been a passion of mine ever since i was a little girl. Now that I am older that feeling has grown into a heart felt desire. I want to be a doctor so I can serve others and make them feel truly comfortable. I have shared the lives of my patients as a personal care attendant, I have laughed and cried with them. This is what i want to do with my life.
I believe that my ability to improve and expand my communication skills since I was constantly meeting numerous people which makes me well suited to pursue a medical career. I also consider myself a people person. As a sales consultant, I interact and communicate with a variety of people thereby expanding my ability to discuss a wide range of topics. Because people constantly disclosed their personal issues to me, I learned to become not only a good conversationalist, but also an excellent listener. In medical school, I also plan to pursue side work like Volunteering. One of my most rewarding experiences has been helping patients as a Personal Care Attendant. As a Personal Care Attendant I’ve learned not only
I am Highly motivated to succeed, I dramatically improved my grades following a time at North Shore Community College. In the past year I have learned a lot through my experiences and relationships. I’ve realized that I was trying so much to make everyone else happy that I wasn’t keeping myself and my interests in mind at times when I should have. Once I realized what goal i wanted to pursue in my life, i plan to work hard to succeed in achieving this goal.
I have been diligent in my pursuit of medicine as a career because I am convinced that medicine offers me the opportunity to live a fulfilling, rewarding life dedicated to helping others. I will enter medicine eager to learn. Attending Northeastern University would be one of the greatest rewards for my motivation and persistence for success.
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Tags: Medical Career, Medical School, Personal Care Attendant
October 20th, 2009 at 11:09 am
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A few thoughts:
1) First sentence is too long and expresses too many thoughts.
change struggles to suffering or something else.
2) The I believe I am obligated sentence is a run-on. Also, get rid of the I believe part. Doesn’t add anything to the paper.
3) Not a dream of mine. Use my dream. or use something else. Its sounds trite.
4) My life, like many others line: get rid of others, seen and been through is difficult to get through, you should rephrase it.
5) I have watched one loves in pain you mean loved ones. also, everyone’s future is uncertain; rethink that line.
6) long lost is trite. Try something else like rediscovered or distant or something.
7) Glad to see should start with I am - otherwise it’s a fragment. don’t be sad and worried. pick one.
9) learn more about steps into recovery and how I can be of help. is very unclear. What do you mean by steps into recovery? Do you mean it is motivating you to go into research or prevention?
10) Cancer rates are at large tacking away to many people too soon. It’s taking away, not tacking. also, the sentence doesn’t flow and it sounds insincere. You might want to change it.
11) between bodies and they should be a ;
12) its doctors not Doctors
13) Becoming a doctor has always been a passion of mine change to my passion.
14) heart felt desire is too sexually charged. Change it into something more appropriate
15) truly comfortable don’t ever use the word truly. It doesn’t mean anything. Get rid of it.
16) I have shared the lives of my patients as a personal care flip it around, it is confusing. As a personal care attendent, blahblahblah. That will sound better
17) believe that my ability to improve and expand my communication skills since I was constantly meeting numerous people which makes me well suited to pursue a medical career this is very confusing. I am not sure what you are trying to say. break it up into 2-3 sentences and keep it simple.
18) people person trite expression. change it
19) As a sales consultant, provide some background on this. you didn’t introduce this to your reader and it is confusing.
20) thereby expanding my ability to discuss a wide range of topics come on… way too complicated. You could replace that entire 10 word phrase with communication skills. don’t overdo it
21) Because people constantly disclosed their personal issues to me, I learned to become not only a good conversationalist, but also an excellent listener don’t try to prove this. simply state it. forget telling how people tell you stuff and you learened to listen. everyone has to do that anyways.
22) side work like don’t call volunteering side-work. you should talk about this more because it is important.
23) Highly motivated get rid of highly, period after succeed otherwise its a run-on
24) I was trying so much to make everyone else happy that I w get rid of at times
25) Once I realized what goal clarify your goal.
26) Attending Northeastern University would be one of the greatest rewards for my motivation and persistence for success. don’t act like getting into NE is a reward. you’re not a beggar after all. It should be the vehicle that will allow you to acheive your personal and professional goals.
Wow, this is worth a lot more than 10 points. Overall not bad but it definately needs to go through 3-4 more drafts. Get a professional to help or you’re going to submit something that won’t be good enough. Ask a teacher or a friend that is really good at writing. good luck, i hope you get in.